Okay, I know many of you secretly (or not so secretly) thought I was crazy for my newfound infatuation with paid programming. I couldn't resist, I had to find out, it was eating at me day and night, so I did it. I bought a Magic Bullet (the blender ladies, the blender).
I opened it and immediately did not have high hopes. I don't know why, maybe it was just the aura that poofed out of the box but I somehow instinctively knew I was beginning an un-returnable experiment.
It came with lots of crap - the two blades, one flat for grinding and whipping, and one pointed for chopping and blending. It also came with a small cup, a large "blender/smoothie" type cup, and four of those stupid mugs with the handles and colorful screw-on rings (so the drunk-asses can tell which mug is theirs).
I immediately put it to the test, since I needed 2 cups of chopped onion for Chicken Adobo for dinner. I wasted 1/2 an onion in it, and then just to be sure, wasted 2 cloves of garlic. Since the cups are tall and the blades are small, it works like a blender and shoots food upwards, as opposed to a food processor, which is wide and has long, flat spread blades, so food flies to the side and back into the blades. What you wind up with is puree on the bottom and huge pieces of uncut garlic or onion or finger or whatever your chopping on top. The more you try to shake it and cut the large pieces, the more puree you have. Not helpful.
Thinking it seemed to really like to blend, I tried a chocolate milkshake. This was better, but really, it's hard to screw up ice cream and milk. This is also not helpful if you are trying to lose the last 5 lbs of baby weight.
Already knowing the results but undeterred nonetheless, I attempted the Magic Bullet guacamole. I threw in some scooped out avocado, half a small tomato, half a clove of garlic, a squeeze of lime juice and a little hot sauce. I pulsed. I whirled. I pulsed some more.
I got pink avocado hot sauce puree on the bottom and big chunks of uncut avocado on top. Gross.
(I took a picture of this, but I'm not going to subject you to it).
The last try was to see if it would do what I actually sort of need it to do in the next few weeks, which is puree baby food. I steamed a zucchini cut into rounds and threw it into the cup. Since a lot of nutrients leech into the steaming water, I put a spoonful of the cooking water in with the rounds and turned it on. After a few seconds, it began to suck from the sides just like a blender, and in another few seconds, I had very nice, quick, fresh, organic baby food. And since there were only two pieces that were dirty, clean up was easy.
I was going to use the flat blade to see if it would really whip cream, but I just don't think I have the energy. I think I've butchered/wasted enough food with this thing.
Bottom line.... it mostly sucks, people. I'm glad that it will at least make baby food for the next few months, and maybe if I drank margaritas I would try that, but I don't. I used the last of my Magic Bullet energy to send them a message that their product sucked, didn't do all that it claimed, and to tell them that I was going to tell everyone on my website and blog not to waste their hard earned money on their crappy product.